Asher's Birth Story

Asher's Birth Story

I know, I know. It's been over six months since Asher was born, so why am I just now getting to writing his birth story? 
Well, first off, because I need to remember.
Second, because I said I would.

I went into labor as usual...small contractions here and there. Make sure I do "all the things" to assure I'm really in labor and finally decide to head into the hospital to have this baby.

I check in, get hooked up to monitors and such (because...hospital) and answer the questions. 
"Is this your first baby?" - no.
"How many pregnancies/live births?" - this will be my 5th.
-insert jaw drop...I don't know why this is the reaction when people hear that...
"OK, so you know what to expect...we will monitor you and then admit you."

We waited. And monitored. And waited. No progress. Contractions stop and for the first time in five pregnancies I get sent home for "false labor". {Head hung in shame. Now, I finally understand how one might not know for sure if they're in labor.}

Fast forward about two weeks...
I begin to have, odd? feelings. I refuse to go in to the hospital again until I am 100% sure this baby is coming. I don't feel the usual waves of contractions. It was more like a constant cramping in my lower back. And not like, oh my leg is sore, cramps...more like, I'm gonna puke or punch someone pain. I decide to try and sleep it off. All through the night it seems to dwindle down and I wake again with my belly just as big as the night before. I climb out of bed, quite defeated, and head to the loo and realize "something" is happening. (Keeping this as PG as possible in case we have any squeamish guys reading with us.) I'm still not convinced it's labor so I call my newfound friend, who pretty much kept me alive during this severe HG pregnancy, (who also happens to be a L&D nurse) and she comes TO MY HOUSE to check on me. 

Let's add a little funny to the story, because this is real life Y'all... She comes to the house to actually CHECK check me...as in, "you've dilated a centimeter" check...as this is happening, Nicholas walks into the room and let's just say, he may be scarred for life. It's a good thing, all was covered and all he saw was said nurse-friend reaching under my blanket.

So, on with our story.

"You just went from a 5 to a 6 in that one contraction." It's baby time! Can I be honest? I still wasn't convinced. 

A moment of silence for every momma who has been there.

I was told it would probably be a good idea to start heading to the hospital in the next 30 mins to an hour unless I just really wanted to have this baby at home. Which, I believe my precious friend would have been MORE than willing to do a home delivery for me. She stayed with me and massaged my back. She put my diffuser on for me and played the most beautiful and peaceful worship music and just stayed with me while I labored a bit longer at home on my big bouncy ball. I have to say...if I would have known what was to come, I probably would have stayed home in those peaceful moments. Because the difference of a hospital room and your bedroom are so very different.

Arrangements are quickly made for someone to come watch the kids while we headed to the hospital to have this baby. I was feeling the full force of contraction on top of contraction as Chris and Stacey (my nurse-friend) walk me to the van. 

Once at the hospital, I was so nauseous and certain there was going to be a baby born within the next couple hours. I'm wheeled up to triage quickly and I apologize to the wheel chair man for not being a better conversationalist. He didn't seem to mind. 

He wheels me up to the check in desk and I'm handed ANOTHER card to fill out and I'm trying to answer questions in between the most intense pain I've ever experienced and the registrar says, "I'll enter this in a minute...GET HER IN A ROOM!" 

I'm wheeled into a triage room and greeted by a nurse and before she can even ask questions, I get out of the chair, start taking off my clothes and apologize for being so immodest, but I'm seriously not caring who is there and who isn't at this point! All I can say to her is, "I need my epidural." 

Nurse, "Well, I need to get this monitor on you and check your vitals and ...." BLAAAAAGH Basically, I needed to have my IV fluids in me before I could get this epidural. Oh, and they had to be sure I was actually in labor. 😑 Two new spectators, I mean nurses, come in to administer IV. They blow a vein. Ok, let's try the other arm. I will tell you, I literally had weekly or bi-weekly IV fluids my ENTIRE PREGNANCY and this was the first time this was an issue. They realize I would be better off in an actual room and wheel me upstairs, or somewhere else, and do the IV then. As soon as I'm in the room, I get the IV fluids going and they send in the epidural angel. He makes anyone besides Chris leave the room and starts spouting off his list of possible side effects and dangers of epidurals and I say, "cool. do it." 

And then. R E L I E F 

(This is about 2 hrs in up to this point. I'm dilated about an 8 and things are moving right along. This baby is coming quick!!!)

Friends come in and tell me how much I'm loved and pray with me and I realize, I'm feeling uncomfortable. No big deal, just press my handy-dandy button and I will get some extra relief. 

Somehow in this time, my epidural quit working. I let the nurses know things seem "off" so they shift my position a couple times and I begin to labor with pretty much full feeling ONLY IN MY ABDOMEN. After no relief and things getting even more painful, they call the anesthesiologist back in and he does a couple things. I'm not exactly sure how long this whole part took. But here is the part that has taken so long to share this story.

I was in the worst pain of my life. I had not prepared mentally for an unmedicated birth. I knew I was at 9cm and was so close to delivering. I began to moan in pain, I guess?, and I was having a hard time in the position I was in. The nurses stood around me trying to help alleviate my pain. Let's try on your left side...Ok, how about the right side...Would you be ok if we set the bed straight up and had you sit "Indian style"? WHY WOULDN'T THIS BABY COME OUT? They discussed amongst themselves and finally had me on all fours with my chest against the bed. 

And fear overcame me like I'd never felt before. You see, I suddenly couldn't breathe. Now, I was breathing, and they had an oxygen mask over me, but I couldn't get enough. And I was terrified. I was suddenly in my own world. My face was buried in the bed with the mask over my nose and I was hot. SO hot. And I gasped for every breath. I prayed those prayers you never thought you'd have to pray during delivery and all I could do was lean in and CRY OUT to Jesus. It may sound silly to those who have uneventful deliveries or to those who haven't yet experienced a birth, but all I could do is tell myself...breathe. breathe. breathe. Lord, am I going to die? breathe. breathe. breathe. Have I endured a horrid pregnancy only to have it end with devastation? breathe. breathe. breathe. 

And then there was no energy in my bones. I went limp and just was still. Eyes closed. breathe. breathe. breathe. I couldn't tell you who was in the room at this point. My eyes had been closed for well over three hours and I was done. Jesus? h e l p

I'm sure everyone was concerned at this point. No one understood why I was stuck at a 9 for over THREE HOURS. The epidural guy came back and basically offered to remove it and try again. We agreed, so he did an ice test to make sure all was well. (I believe they'd given me the maximum amount for my weight.) As he touched my skin with an ice cube, beginning with my legs, I could feel the touch but it wasn't cold. "Hummm." touch belly with ice. Cool, but not cold. "Really?" Then he touched it to my upper arm. I again told him it was cooler but still not ice cold. I hear something along the lines of "well, I just don't want it to shut down her lungs." breathe. breathe. breathe. Chris and I quickly agree, it's worth it if it will get things moving. So, he heads out to get the OK from the OB who is on call. 

While he is out, I kind of feel this "check" in my spirit...what if the epidural doesn't work again? What if I have to have a surgery to get this kid out? 

The OB comes in the room and tells me she's going to check me...still a 9. "Ok, Hope. Here's what's happening...you're not going to get to a 10. I don't know why, but it's just not happening for some reason. You have two options: 1. I can basically, go in and get him out OR 2. I will have to take you in for an emergency C-section." Now, I know there is a time and a place for them, but I thought to myself 'if the epidural isn't working now, then why would it work if I had a c-section? What if I feel them cutting me open and I die from pain!?!" Real thoughts, people. So I say, "Just get him out." OB tells me this isn't something she can do on her own..."YOU have to be fully in this, Hope, for it to work." 

"OK."

I pushed. Nothing. Hands reaching inside to feel for baby and he is NOT going to budge. The doctor later told me the baby's head was not facing up and down, it was wedged side-to-side. She stuck the vacuum on his head, did a quick turn and I was able to FINALLY push him out. I don't know how many pushes it took. But, I didn't know he was out. You see, when a baby's head is delivered, the rest of the body just kinda slides out like a water slide. Y'all...I felt EVERY INCH of that baby leave my body!

4:17pm. August 2.
I delivered my 9lb 6oz 22" baby BOY!!!

Wait...why isn't he crying? Can I hold him?

I wish my story ended there. I rejoiced at the place I was, yet, I knew. I didn't get to hold my baby boy. He was rushed over to the warming table and poked and prodded by a bajillion people who didn't love him like I did. And I sent his daddy to him. As things were cleaned up on my side of the room, I cried. Not out of worry or fear or anything other than probably just a wave of new momma hormones and my body shook like I'd never experienced before. We were asked to keep the room quiet (as I'd consented to visitors back in the room) and found out he was having difficulty "transitioning" outside the womb. I don't know if it was 15 minutes or 50 before I finally had this tiny giant baby placed in my arms by a NICU nurse who basically told me she would have to remove him from the room if we couldn't keep it quiet.

I looked her in the eye and said, "I know you're trying to avoid worrying me. I know I'm crying but I am ok...I'm not a first time momma so I don't want you to avoid telling me what's going on just to spare me unnecessary concern. What is wrong with him? I NEED you to tell me because I need to know specifically how to PRAY." 
She tried to explain in not so many words, that he was having some respiratory issues and trouble transitioning. So we all formed a prayer circle and prayed for this beautiful child who had just joined our family.

Needless to say, HE IS WELL AND THRIVING!

Six months later, Asher has fully established his position as the youngest Slegers sibling! He has topped the growth charts and has raving reviews from his pediatrician! I will tell you, he has brought such balance to our family. I don't know how to explain it, but he just makes sense. The Lord knew we needed Asher. He knew I.needed.Asher. I needed a rough pregnancy to remind me that without Christ, I can do nothing. When I am weak, HE is strong. When I wanted to quit, HE sustained me. When my body failed me and I felt alone, he brought me a friend to fill me up! I needed Asher just like I needed Collin. And Nicholas. And Audrey. And Anna. Because in each of these tiny humans, HE reveals more of himself through them. 

What a creative GOD we have! What love he has for us and what good and perfect gifts come from HIM alone! 

Long Short Update

I find myself coming back to this little blog thinking, "I totally need to update this online diary". I think it a lot. I just don't make time to do so. However, while looking up information on Columbus Day (AND finding it very difficult to get any real info and FACTS on the day) I felt the urge to document how stupid society has become. I've had a "check" in my spirit not to fume about the idiocy of our world so I will refrain...for the moment. Instead, I'm going to catch up on our family life.

We are now a family of SIX! We've moved to our first house. We love our neighborhood and our neighbors are pretty spectacular! Collin is in his fourth year of homeschool and doing well. Nicholas and Audrey are both in the works of pre-kindergarten activities. I'll start more "formal" schooling with Nicholas next year...probably. Living this life is quite amazing if you think about it. You can miss the bigger picture if you let yourself.

I took the kids to the zoo a couple weeks ago and we got to visit the zoo hospital, where they have a huge print of a flamingo probably with a vet. I had the kids start off by looking closely at the wall. It's made up of probably hundreds of little photographs that picture different animals. Next, I had them step back and look at the whole panel. Imagine their surprise when they saw the large image covering the wall! It was a perfect way to teach the children (and remind myself) how even though all we see is our own little story, it's part of a much bigger story that Christ has written out!

Deep in Thought

I don’t know if you’ve ever had those moments where you find yourself just lost in thoughts all jumbled into one massive lump of crazy and wonder if someone were to read your mind right now, you might end up in the looney bin... can I say “looney bin”!?... but anyway.
I’m there. It’s past midnight, when most of my thoughts can run steadily by without interruption by a tiny human who needs a drink or their tooshie wiped or a book read or a conflict refereed. I’ve just finished my Scripture writing and journaling for the evening and my heart is so full! Like, the almost about to explode, full. Explode from joy or anguish, I don’t really know, but it’s full. I feel so blessed. Not lucky, blessed. Luck has nothing to do with it. Only God.
I’m on a journey right now where I’m searching Scripture for truth. You see, I believe the Word of God is truth. I believe I can have a problem and the answer to that problem can be found in Scripture. I believe it is God breathed. I believe the Word of God is relevant today and always. I hear all too often how “The world is not the same as it once was. Change happens and people change too.” And that IS apparent. However, no matter how different we are and different the world is...God IS NOT. He hasn’t changed. And I’m clinging to that. I’m teaching my children that. And I’m making sure you’re reminded of that as well.

A Continual Conversation

Prayer should be a continual conversation with the Lord. Why do I start my prayer as if I'm writing a letter? When I spend an entire day in the room with my kids and try to start a new conversation, do I say "Hi .... , first I'd like to say...."? Of course not. I just spit it out. I have a friend, people (including myself) would consider her my bff, who I get to see mostly at church. On Sunday. Or Wednesday. Or an occasional Friday. And there are times we don't get to say "Hi!" We just continue talking to one another as if our conversation never ends. Shouldn't that be how it is with The One who is always with us? Always. With. Us. My conversations with Jesus are continual. I'm constantly asking for his direction on one matter or another, for his grace in situations where I don't see it, or in laughing with him at the antics of my children. Sometimes I get caught up in "appropriate prayer presentation" that I forget I'm not speaking with some magic genie in the air, but I'm in the presence of the Most High God and am talking to him as a friend, a Father, my first Love! So, next time I pray. Perhaps I need to be more aware of what I'm doing and not just the "how" to do it!

What Am I Doing?

Has anyone else ever wondered, "Is this REALLY what being a parent is about?" I'm sitting on the couch at about 10:30 on a Friday morning watching Team Umizoomi with a 3 and 2 yr old. I know...be jealous. I'm slowly coming to the realization that this is ok. This moment is not making me a failure as a mother (or aunt). I often find myself trying to be who people imagine me being. I've often been informed about how fortunate I am to be so "well off" and surely, I can't imagine the challenges others go through that have to work and earn a paycheck and live without a full time baby sitter on hand. (We've lived with my Mother-in-Love our entire married life and that's how she's been viewed by some.) While Grandma is ever so gracious to be such a large part of our lives, she still allows her son and I to be Dad and Mom. These ideas others have about our family dynamics does not change what is true...Parenting is hard. The decisions my hubby and I have to make for our family sometimes drives us to tears and desperation where all we can do is hit our knees and cry out to Father God for direction. So, what am I doing? How am I living a life that glorifies my God and still meets the demands of wife, mother, Worship Pastor, friend, daughter, sister and everything else? I pray. I sing. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I play. I give kisses and hugs and fix boo-boos. I pretend. I make a pretty rockin' fort, if I do say so myself! I love. THAT is what I'm doing. And it is good. ~*Hope*~

But above all WE LOVE

My life as a mom can be the most fun and exciting adventure there is! I get to experience it all. I have experienced growing a person (Or three) inside my body. I have felt three precious lives move and toss and turn from the inside. I've been kicked in places some couldn't imagine and lived to smile and laugh and tell about it. I've watched three tiny people come into this world with awe over what a miracle life really is. I've nourished them. I've clothed, bathed, rocked, snuggled, and on and on... I get to be the center of their universe for a moment and know that beyond anything or anyone else, they.want.me. I am their comforter. I am their teacher. I am their dinosaur wrangler (because we don't do monsters at our house). I am the "best mom [they've]ever had"! I get to laugh and play and kiss and hug three precious ones for just a moment. Then...my joy becomes more than I can bear. The constant touching and pulling and needing just brings me to my knees where at times I want to throw my hands in the air and scream "I AM DONE!" My dream world of perfect children is non-existent. It's also irrational to expect them to be. It's funny how a moment when my two-year-old and I seem to go head to head in a match that is just unfair, blows up into something out of control. "Listen and obey!" I say. But he hears nothing. Today, after such a collision, I came to my dining room. I walked over to where I have the following saying hanging on the wall: In this house We laugh...a lot We are patient...most of the time We tell the truth We support each other We hug often We make mistakes We never give up We always forgive We keep our promises We always have fun But above all WE LOVE So, big mom fail. In the midst of trying to instill character into my children, do I lose sight of "above all WE LOvE"? I get frustrated and angry. I don't believe these are necessarily bad things. I do believe they can become bad when it becomes sinning in our anger and frustration. Before you start allowing your mind to run off with "How did she sin while disciplining?" I'll tell you it wasn't sin in physical correction but my tongue. Allowing my voice to raise to an octave no human being should ever have to hear and lashing out to get a point across that could very well have waited until I had a time to run to my Savior and ask for a gentle word. I want to leave an impression on my children as a woman full of grace AND a gracious word. Even when correcting unacceptable behavior. I'm thankful for my upbringing. Im thankful for the God of the Universe who chose me to take care of these precious lives. By His Grace and Mercy will I accomplish the goal placed before me. ~*Hope*~ "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." Proverbs 10:12

2015 Begins

2015 has come on us like a lion! (Feel free to begin humming "my God's not dead"). Once December rolled around I told Chris the month would fly by. Sometimes, I wish I weren't right... Last year was a great year and many things happen in a year. In short we celebrated a daddy birthday in March, a 2nd birthday in April, a 6th birthday in July, and a 1st birthday combined with mommy birthday in November. Big things that happened: Nicholas fell out of the treehouse, and survived! Audrey ended up in the ER after having (what we know now as) a febrile seizure. Collin has been good at avoiding serious incidents and I'm totally okay with that! There are no potential additions to the Slegers family as of this moment and we haven't done much more than work, homeschool, ministry and more life! We are enjoying life as a family of 5. Days are long but the year still seems to fly by! Parenting three children is challenging and crazy and fun and so full and rewarding! I'm still doing the mom thing. I hear this position is one that will be forever, but my job description will change and adapt as the children grow. I'm clinging to these last days of safety gates, baby monitors, and little tumbles as Audrey is discovering the new freedom of being mobile. She is 14 mos and still not walking but I'm not worried as I know she will be there before we know it! I love my cuddles with the Terrific-Two-Year-Old. Nicholas has two modes: go and sleep. Most of the time I wonder if he actually just closes his eyes and pretends to sleep because he is still moving even when he sleeps! Haha. Collin is kind and thoughtful and generous...until it comes time to play his electronics. Then you better watch out! What is it with boys and their video games? This year we are hoping for some great new and exciting adventures in our life! Some are as simple as eating more natural foods and less processed foods and sugar. Some goals as big as hoping to purchase a home! Chris and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary this year, it's time for this! It's exciting and scary. It's going to probably stretch and change our family dynamic in ways that may feel very uncomfortable at times, but this is a good thing. I don't know if/when I will be posting again. It could come in a week or two. It could be another year before we get a moment to stop and write another blog. But, I hope to do what I am called to do to the best of my abilities. Talk to you soon!